Screw the Universe

By Stephen Schwegler, Eirik Gumeny

House, the optimistically no longer copyrighted ultimate frontier.

Out there's a universe teeming with new and weird existence, with technology and doubtless magic and wonderment. And available in the market, in that inky black void, is a spaceship whose team in truth couldn't provide a crap.

Welcome to the Zdravo. domestic to a staff extra thinking about getting ice cream than with saving the galaxy, lower than the command of a federation that gives you promotions in keeping with filthy acts played at the back of in simple terms sometimes closed doorways, and captained through a guy whose merely aim in lifestyles is to bone as many lifeforms as he can, a captain who really desires to screw the universe.

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Challenge solved,” acknowledged the captain. house Marshal Orr diminished his head. His plan was once a bit of a hit, yet extra of a gigantic failure. “Where’s the remainder of your team? ” Captain Tyler stood up and acknowledged, “They’re off aiding the others. fortunately loads of unimportant people who we not often speak about have been the vast majority of the sufferers. Feces was once badly injured, yet i think him to make a virtually forty% restoration. ” “I see,” stated a solemn house marshal. “Hey! It’s now not all undesirable. ” “Oh? ” “Yeah. I acquired to name deepest Beef’s mom and dad to notify them that their son had died. Rekindled a bit romantic anything anything there. ” “Are you yes it was once romantic? ” “She saved utilizing the f-word, so yeah. What else may well it have intended? ” an individual in the back of Marshal Orr acknowledged whatever to him. Marshal Orr looked as if it would remove darkness from at regardless of the information used to be. Then he quick requested Captain Tyler: “How many explosions did you assert there have been? ” “By explosions, do you suggest ejaculations? ” “No, I suggest explosions. I’m speaking concerning the assault at the Zdravo back. ” “Oh, right,” acknowledged the captain. “Duknerts! ” “Yes, captain? ” stated First Lieutenant Duknerts, hopping on one leg, the opposite one bleeding horribly. “How many explosions have been mentioned? ” “Thirty-seven. ” “Thirty-seven, sir,” stated the captain to the marshal. “Right, yes,” mumbled area Marshal Orr, examining over a bit of paper that an analogous a person had passed to him. “Was someone maimed by way of a toaster? ” “Duknerts,” acknowledged the captain, “was a person –” “No,” acknowledged Duknerts, “not that we’re conscious of. ” “No toasters, Mar—” all started Tyler. “Yeah, I heard,” acknowledged Orr. “Captain Tyler, I order you to examine each toaster at the Zdravo. we've got, uh, ‘reason to think’ there’s yet another bomb on board. In a toaster. ” “Interesting,” acknowledged Captain Tyler. “Duknerts! cross and investigate cross-check the toasters! ” “Can’t anyone with operating legs do it? ” stated the 1st lieutenant. “No! ” shouted the marshal. “I suggest, convinced. Wait... What I’m asserting is, Captain Tyler, I order you and also you on my own to examine the entire toasters. ” “I’m on it! ” Captain Tyler sprinted from the bridge. First Lieutenant Duknerts limped after him. every person else at the bridge was once useless. “Excellent,” acknowledged Marshal Orr, surveying the bloodbath from the View-Matic 7000. deepest Naughtyplaces, laying underneath the captain’s chair, spasmed, vomited violently and got here again to existence. “Holy shit,” stated the distance marshal. “You can’t... You shouldn’t be... ” “Blow it out your ass, Orr,” spoke back Naughtyplaces. “The purely issues that exploded have been the Federation-issued goods we picked up at headquarters. I found out your plan. ” “Oh, good, uh... ” “I wish in. ” “Oh, thank God. ” “I didn’t even are looking to be in this silly spaceship within the first position. I can’t think getting paintballs slingshot at your genitals was once a suitable method of opting for assignments. ” “You’re purely announcing that as the paint stains are everlasting. ” “My vagina shouldn't be eco-friendly! ” “Have you attempted shaving –” “Yes!

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